#1. You’re seriously confusing me. I feel closer to you every time we talk. Sharing things, moments. Yet, I still can’t tell where we stand. Then again, I know about that now, and it kinda hurts. How can I trust you now? .. ugh.
#2. You’ve got me hanging by a thread. Whatever happens now, is going to affect me like crazy. It’s up to you this time, I’ll let you have that at least. I’m falling faster than I ever thought I would. Part of me wants it to go back, back to exactly how we were: immature and hating. But I can’t figure out if that can ever happen with the way things are now…
#3. Stop, please stop. As much as I do, I don’t want you in my life right now. Don’t complicate things for me.
#4. Leave me alone please. I really don’t like you, and I’m pretty sure you know that. It doesn’t matter what you call it, I don’t want to.
#5. Seriously, wtf. I hate your fricking statuses. I can’t stand them. Do you really need people to know exactly what you did last night? Not cool.
Must be the hormones, I feel like an emotional high school student… da fuck?
Anyways, so across our table was an interesting scene. One white guy, an Asian girl, and her two parents. It was obviously their first time eating together, she was trying to introduce him to the family. He looked more out of place than a horse in a courtroom.
Either way, it got me thinking. I wonder what it’s going to be like the first time I have supper with the in-laws. Would I be able to keep a conversation going? Or would it end up like him, quietly trying to eat respectfully while avoiding conversation and eye contact? I would like to imagine it being a good time, but it really depends on the guy, I guess.
In any case, if I ever get to that point, it will only be if I am truly in love with someone. And in that case, I guess it wouldn’t matter whether or not it was awkward with the in-laws. The only thing that matters, is that our love shines through. That I can look up at his parents and they can see exactly what I do. Friendship, love, happiness, sacrifice. Perfection in it’s own messed up way.
So…Today, I decided to wear this really low V-neck shirt that I have, with a tank top underneath to minimize cleavage….
Anyways, I took the bus home today. There was this middle-aged brown woman sitting across from me, face-to-face seats in the front of the bus. It was really crowded, so I was just keeping to myself.. but then I started looking around, and noticed that she was fixated on my boobs… I felt really awkward, because it was longer than most fixations, so I started pulling up my tank top…
So this brown lady realizes that she’s been staring at my boobs for at least a good minute, so she looks at me (in the face) and smiles awkwardly..
So, I went for a drive at 2 am. I fucking love driving. I love driving at night. I love driving in rain. So driving at 2 am after the rain with no cars on the road? Holy shit I was in paradise. Although, now that I think of it, running through all those red lights might not have been the best choice, but it was worth it at the time… Going 110 in a 60 zone =crazy adrenaline.. And then seeing a popo and slowing as fast as I could…. Agh too excited to sleep…
I love those people that you hang out with that make you want to become a better person. It doesn’t matter how they have that effect on you, whether it’s their bad decisions, or their positive lifestyle choices. Always try to be a better person. Always learn from your mistakes. Find the motivation inside yourself to amplify your life into something inspirational.
It’s crazy. Taking a moment to realize just how much I really have in my life. I complain, I get angry, sometimes I even feel like a failure. But I realized, I have so much: Amazing friends who I can talk to about anything, people who will always be there for me, give me advice, help me through my hardships; M, who will always put up a guard in front of me, but will show a glimmer of light every so often, those glimmers that make me feel more loved than I will ever imagine. I take everything for granted. Everything I own, everything I use, and everything I have the opportunity to experience.
I’m happy to be alive, to share this experience with those around me, to grow old with those I love.
It’s those moments in life when you realize that death may not be as far as you thought. I witnessed the face of death on the person I truly love, twice. The image haunts me everyday. Every time I hear a loud crash, the memories flood into my mind, suffocating me. The events replay in my mind every night. It’s hard to sleep. So traumatizing. As cliche as it is, cherish those around you. Be happy. Let the little things go. Look at the overall picture. Make time for those you love, and figure out who is really important to you. I love you, M. Stay strong. As much as you need to figure things out for yourself, I need you to stick around. For me.
So when one becomes famous, why does it all of a sudden seem okay for people to run and scream around them and touch them.. I was thinking about how people act so differently. Those famous people are exactly like you and I, just trying to become the best they can be. As much as famous people are successful because of their fans, does that make it acceptable to run up to them and ask for things that would normally be considered inappropriate? For example, I was watching some of the youtube famous people that I follow as they were out about in public. Asking the person to chew a piece of gum and spit it into your mouth? That’s disgusting. Or just flat out asking them to marry you? Asking if you can stroke their beard? I don’t know about you, but my limits are casual conversation and a photo/autograph. God, I would hate to be famous…
It's hard to be carefree when everything costs you...
Money. The root of all evil. Why must one of my favorite hobbies be shopping? In any case, cute new necklaces are worth it, right?.. and anklets and toe rings.. On top of that, good company and good food. I guess it’s been one of those days…
That moment when you realize that space on your dresser never had anything on it. It was always an empty space. Things shuffled around there, hell, things were even placed on that spot, but nothing was truly meant to sit there. Although it seems you had imagined something always being there, it was just a vision in your mind. Resurface, organize yourself, and maybe you can then place something on that exact spot. Right where you always imagined it would be, it will find its way there. Until then, keep the dust away until you find the perfect item that will make the rest of you dresser look put together like a designer’s theme, perfect.
So, I remember a conversation I once had with a very christian friend of mine. The topic of homosexuality. She was convinced that homosexuality was a choice, that the LGBTQ society was just a statement of personal individuality, trying to break away from the norms. She believed that all humans were made perfectly in God’s name to be straight and “normal”. I love you, but seriously, fuck you. Seriously, why would anyone ever want to go through the hardship of being different throughout their childhood. I’ve heard so many stories about my homosexual friends being bullied and hurt, even getting beaten up, for being exactly who they were born to be. I am straight. And I realize, just as I will never be turned on by another girl, it’s the exact same feeling that my gay friends will never be turned on by a girl. You can’t force attraction towards another person. You can’t choose which assets you find attractive. Attraction is from within. If society wasn’t heteronormative, would homosexuals then be “God’s creation”? Religion is a whole different topic, but for now, under the topic of homosexuality, be strong my gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends. You should always be proud of the way you were born. I got your back.